Past Jokes Of The Month


At an exhibition of the world's best swordsmen, the third place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation, as the world's greatest swordsman took his place on stage. His blade came down in a mighty arc, but the insect continued on it's way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!" "Ah, replied the swordsman,"you weren't watching very carefully. The fly lives, yes, but he will never be a father."


A fellow's dog was sick, so he took the dog to the vet. The vet took the dog to the examining room, and came out a few minutes later and said, "I'm sorry, your dog is gone." The fellow said, "What do you mean he's gone ! He's not gone, he's just sick." the vet said, "come with me" and took the fellow to the exam room. His dog was lying on the table not moving and the vet came in with a small portable kennel and removed a cat. The cat hissed and took a swipe at the dogs nose. The dog didn't move. The cat walked around the dog and took another swipe at the dogs other end, and again the dog still didn't move. The fellow said, "I see what you mean. How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "That will be $330.00" The fellow exclaimed " $330 for what?"

The vet said, "$30 for the office call and $300 for the cat scan"


There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?


God was disgusted with the music on earth, so he sat down and wrote a long symphony. And it had enough parts in it for everyone on earth. So, when performance time came up, he gathered all the people on the plains of Africa to play the piece. The angels lowered a gold directors stand. God himself stepped up on it, tapped his baton and started the music. The first movement was long, in fact about two and one half years. But it was so beautiful that nobody minded at all. The second movement was shorter, only about two years, but again so beautiful and flowing that no one even noticed how long it was. About a year into the third movement, there was a solo triangle part for a little shoemaker from Belgium. As one could guess, he missed his part. The whole orchestra stopped and glared at him for ruining the greatest piece of music ever written. God just looked out, tapped his baton and said, "OK folks, lets take it from the top."


EVER WONDER HOW THE ANGEL GOT ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE?

SANTA WAS GETTING READY FOR HIS BIG TRIP TO DELIVER TOYS ALL OVER THE WORLD. HE WENT OUT TO THE BARN AND GATHERED TOGETHER ALL THE REINDEER AND HARNESSED THEM UP AND HITCHED THEM TO THE SLEIGH. AS HE HEADED TOWARDS THE HOUSE, THE HARNESS BROKE. SANTA HAD TO UNHITCH THE REINDEER AND STAKE THEM OUT SO HE COULD TAKE THE HARNESS INTO THE SHOP FOR REPAIRS. THAT CAUSED HIM TO BE ABOUT 2 HOURS BEHIND. WHEN THE HARNESS WAS READY, HE HITCHED EVERYTHING UP AGAIN AND TOWARDS THE HOUSE HE WENT. ABOUT TWO-THIRDS OF THE WAY THERE, A RUNNER BROKE OFF OF THE SLEIGH. HE HAD TO UNHITCH AGAIN, AND GET THE TRACTOR STARTED, TO PULL THE SLEIGH BACK TO THE BARN, AND GET THE WELDER OUT TO FIX THE BROKEN RUNNER. THIS TOOK ALMOST 3 HOURS. ONCE AGAIN HITCHING EVERYTHING UP, HE RACED FOR THE HOUSE. HE WAS REALLY RUNNING BEHIND NOW. HE RAN INSIDE, GRABBED HIS SACK OF TOYS, THREW THEM OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND WENT OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH TO TELL MRS. CLAUS GOOD BYE, BUT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG FELL OUT AND TOYS SCATTERED EVERYWHERE. JUST THEN THE ANGEL CAME DOWN AND SAID

"SANTA, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT THIS CHRISTMAS TREE?"



There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"


A couple who had been married for about 30 years were talking one night. The wife said "If I were to die, would you remarry?" The husband said, " I don't know, I might." She said," Would you still live in this house?" He replied, "Why yes, I've worked for a long time to get it fixed up and now it's paid for." She asked, "Would you buy new furniture?" He said, "No need to do that. This furniture is fine." She said, "Well, would you let her sleep in our bed? He replied, "Why of course. It's a good bed and I get a good nights sleep in it." Angrily She said, "I suppose you would even let her use my golf clubs." He said, "No, she is left handed."


Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"