Good evening, Mr. Phelps. Your assignment, should you decide to accept it, is to locate and bring back to headquarters the West Point High School class of 1969. Since the members of this class are the finest human beings Earth has to offer, they are to be sent to the planet Mars where they will build a new nation. Remember Jim, if you or any of your IMF force are killed during this dangerous assignment, you will automatically lose your job with this department. As always, Jim--good luck (you're really going to need it this time).
If you haven't guessed by this time, I'm Jim Phelps of the popular TV series, Mission Impossible. The preceding was the beginning of one of our programs that was rejected for TV viewing because of all the sex and violence. But I am going to relate to you now of how I found, but unsuccessfully tried to bring back, the class of 1969.
My first stop was New York City. Here, I searched for ten hours or more until I found one '69 member. I was crossing the street with the lights when all of a sudden a young man in a blue Chevy pickup came roaring down upon me. I was sure this was the end of me, but by sheer luck he happened to miss me. After regaining my composure, I hurried over to the stopped pickup to really let the driver hear a few choice words of my vocabulary when Clayton popped out his head, yelled, Watch where you're walking mister, and then tore off down the street once again.
Walking further, I happened to pass a fashion shop in which I saw Mary. Going in, I asked Mary was she was doing. She looked at me and said, Why I'm a world famous fashion designer, specializing in men's fashions. Men are so much more fun to design for. Upon saying that, she called our one of her more famous customers, John, who was wearing a baby blue outfit consisting of tights, a short skirt, and a sequined top. He explained that he was appearing in a new opera in which he was fortunately miscast as a slender young girl. Seeing John in such an outfit was funny beyond words, and I had to leave the shop for fear of laughing in his face. (You know, his legs weren't too bad looking.)
I then took to my car and traveled to Madison Square Garden to watch the wrestling match of the year. To my utter dismay one of wrestlers turned out to be Vernon, otherwise know as Mad Godiva. Vern lost the fight however. As he was about to give his opponent the death blow, he stumbled and hit his head on the side of the ring knocking himself out and leaving a nice big lump in the middle of his forehead. Upon seeing this, a pretty young nurse (I knew she was a nurse--she had her uniform on) jumped up out of the audience and went up and administered the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Vern came to, but she still continued to administer the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and it started looking like Vern was enjoying it, especially since the nurse was Bonnie.
On my way out, I was stopped by Lynn who tried to sell me some popcorn and peanuts. He said he needed the money desperately to help out a dear friend. Just then his friend happened to come around the corner. She was none other than Nancy. She claimed she needed the money to have her neck straightened out from looking at all the boys as they walked by.
As I was leaving New York City, my car broke down, and I had to buy a new VW from Gloria's Used Car Lot. Screwing in light bulbs over the parking lost was Russell, Gloria's handyman and assistant. I then resumed my journey, stopping finally outside of a juicery sign which read: Suzanne';s Sock It to 'em Juice. Suzanne's co-partner in this juicery business was her very good friend Bud.
Going to Walla Walla, Michigan, I spied two more members, Gladys and Sheila busy playing marbles upon the sidewalk. Not wanting to disturb them, I walked into the town's Playboy club to pass the time of day. To my surprise, I found out that Larry had taken over Hugh Hefner's job and was thoroughly enjoying it. I too enjoyed my little visit there.
On the outskirts of Fargo, North Dakota, I stopped at a farm house to get a drink of water. Caren answered the door surrounded by a group of little children. I guess she was proving that it was cheaper by the dozen. She informed me that their hired man was also a former member of the class of 1969. He then came in dressed in blue overalls and a straw hat. Rodney W., while chewing on a piece of straw, said he really enjoyed farming.
While searching in St. Louis I went to hear the famous rock group known as the Good Time Charlies. The group was all from West Point consisting of Carole on bongos, Monte on the electric flute, and Mike with shoulder-length hair as the lead singer. They were certainly a different sounding group.
The large 72-room mansion of Janis W. was my next stop. Janis is now in the toy manufacturing business. She made her money from reviving the old fad of water pistols which she made by the millions and personally tested each and every one.
Things were getting boring so I went out to Hollywood to find some more class members. Having read in a movie magazine that Pat O. had just married Barbra Streisand, I visited him to make sure it was true. After a nine month engagement, they finally make the love knot legal.
While visiting Universal Studios I met Steve McQueen's double and stunt man, Eugene G. Eugene confided in me that he finds his work very challenging, especially when he does the racy scenes. While still pondering what Eugene meant, a team of make-up specialists from Europe came to do up Eugene for the next scene. My eyes bulged at the seams upon seeing that Sally was the hair stylist and Barb doing Eugene's face up to perfection.
I just knew that there would be a few members of this class in Haight-Ashbury, but never did I think that Doug and Bernice would be there as hippies. From there I traveled to the Olympics which happened to be taking place in Crowell, Nebraska. I found three '69 members here. Tim won a gold medal for his great athletic ability in the 20-lb. weight lifting competition, Donna would have won in the pogo stick event but some opposing contestant put bubble gum on the bottom of her stick. Darlene was disqualified when she tried to run in the 100 meter dash--for men. Staying for the closing ceremonies of Olympic games, I heard Suzy singing the closing anthem a cappella.
The Olympics nearly wore me out so I decided to go across the ocean to Europe to continue my search. It just so happened that the ship I crossed on contained several of the '69 members. Mardell was busy showing the old men on the ship how to do push-ups while Vicki P. was trying to sell candy kisses. I noticed, however, that she was selling her kisses to the captain of the ship, handsome and debonair, Eugene H., at a discount. In the ballroom of the ship that evening I met two more former WPHS class members, Bob G. and Diane P. These two were taking over the Arthur Murray dancing lessons on the ship.
After seven days at sea I docked in Paris, France. Sight-seeing the city I noticed a large crowd gathering about the Eiffel Tower. On further investigation, I found that they were watching Clay climbing the Eiffel Tower the hard way--with high heeled shoes on. After watching Clay successfully scale the tower I went over to a sidewalk cafe where Jean successfully did a can-can dance. When she finished young men came up to her begging her to marry them, but Jean refused saying that her heart belonged to Daddy, who I later found out to be Rodney G. Rodney was hardly recognizable weighing a few pounds more--about 200 more pounds.
My next stop in Europe was Madrid, Spain, where I picked up a hitchhiker, Ann walking along a dusty road. She told me that she was an olive stuffer in the factory. I invited her to come along with me and help me find the rest of the class, but she refused saying that she might lose her job if she were gone too long. She did, however, tell me to look up her old friend, Cindy W. when I reached Sweden. When I got there I found that Cindy was the latest Swedish film star. Cindy has so much fun in her films that now all the Swedish girls are changing their hair color to black so that they can have some fun too. On the airplane bound for Russia I discovered that Diane T. and Patty W. were the pilots. They were giving us a smooth ride when a passenger left his seat and went into the pilots cockpit. He pointed his pocket with his finger in it at the pilots and said, Take me to Bohemialand. I knew then that it could only be Bill. Bill was apprehended by a feeble little old lady sitting in the front row. Landing in Africa, my next stop, I met two of the more pious members of the class of '69, Dale and Kyle, working as missionaries in the deepest part of Africa. I then decided to go to South Africa to look at all the pretty girls in their bikinis. I found that one group I noticed contained Clara, Jo, and Rachel. of course I had a long talk with them with their telling me that they were weather girls on the evening news pointing out potential storm areas. Knowing that I was looking for more members they directed me to an office building which had a sign on it reading, Maidenform Arch Supports, Ltd. Looking around I found that the man in charge was Bob B. He was busy trying to find his top salesman, Craig, who was busy playing footsie with one of the customers. George had formerly been Bob's top salesman, but he quit his job and started up the rival company--Wimmer's Wearever Underwear.
Africa proved too much to me, so I returned to the States to locate the remaining '69 members. I decided to bring in my two top assistants, Vicki N. and Patty T. These two were currently trying to track down the Kissing Bandits, who they finally apprehended. To my surprise the bandits were Gerayne and Connie. They had just stolen some money from Diane M. and Ruth. These two had made their money from converting used bathtubs into swimming pools for midgets. I decided that my last stop would be Sidney, Iowa, where I wanted to watch the annual rodeo. Here was billed the Greatest Cowgirl on Earth. As I was watching her ride a bucking bronco, I noticed that the famous cowgirl was Linda. Talking to Linda I found out that she was a co-partner with Rita who now owned Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. To my surprise they told me that they knew all about my secret mission to round up all of the members of the class of '69, and had been reading about it in the paper.
Now I knew that my mission had failed. I hadn't brought back a single class member to take to Mars. However, when I got back to headquarters and told the boss my story I was immediately sent to Mars. Here I will stay until possibly the class of '70 comes to Mars.
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