Question: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer: A 150 pound Rottweiler!

Question: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Answer: Cut the rope!

Question: Did you know why researchers are now using lawyers instead of white rats in laboratory experiments?
Answer:
1. There are more lawyers than white rats in the world.
2. People like white rats better than lawyers.
3. There are some things you can't get a rat to do!

First Guy: "What was your first clue that it was going to be a lousy date?"
Second Guy: "When she showed up she was wearing a T-shirt that said `If you can read this, you're too close.'"

Lee Trevino likes to joke that when caught in a thunder-and-lightning storm a golfer should hold a one iron aloft. "Not even God," he says, "can hit a one iron."

Observing jury selection in our county courthouse one day, I was amused by one prospective juror. An attorney asked her, "Have you ever been falsely accused of speeding?"
"No, sir," replied the woman. "I'm always guilty."

My mother was restoring an ornate picture frame and had to replace some chipped gold leaf. At the hardware store she asked the woman at the counter, "Do you have any gilt?"
"Sometimes it's overwhelming," answered the clerk.

Did you hear about the heartbroken tractor salesman?
He got a John Deere letter.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in that grave."

Question: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Answer: They both have a one in a million chance of becoming human.

Lawyer to client: "In my profession, there's no such thing as free speech."

Boss to Secretary: "Who told you that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect your work around here?"
Secretary: "My lawyer."

Question: Why did the silly blonde keep staring at the orange-juice carton?
Answer: Because it said "Concentrate"

Stores hire extra help for the holidays. This way, customers who don't know what they want can be helped by people who don't know where it is.

Back to Granite's Home Page